techo-tarded!

i am completely technologically retarded half the time.

yes, my year and some-odd month hiatus i unknowingly took is now over!

the email address that is associated with this blog was acting all haywire, and i couldn't get into it for days. i forgot my password and security question. i about lost my damn mind >>

but anyway, i fixed it somehow, and am writing all my passwords down! i think i've been getting hacked, this happens a lot. i'm not that stupid! *cries*

anywayanywayANYWAY...

believe it or not, nothing's really changed. same job, same boyfriend ♥, same (plus a few) friends.

i'm more involved on the internet (IRONIC, i know) and art these days.

if you want to see what i mean, go here!

http://miss-meister.deviantart.com/

i can't think of much else, really.

tata for now!

ventilation.

my mind is elsewhere lately.

and i'm not sure i like it. i feel like i'm having an out of body experience, seeing myself from above, rather than being inside my own body.

i zombie around all day because i can't sleep. i'm either distracted, or my mind's too crowded to settle. i've been thinking and even worrying about things i shouldn't. i'm not sure i want to disclose what that is exactly.

i need to get away. i'm going on vacation in about a week. but i need a vacation from myself, if possible. i should be shipped out to an island all alone. and just be away from everything and everyone. when i start going crazy, i'll come back.

i'm excited either way. i've never been outside the US, so it's going to be a good experience.

oh, and what's the deal with this new credit card act? my car payments were so amazingly lined up with my paycheck, every 2 weeks. now i'm gonna be strapped for cash every 28th. what is that bullshit?

i'm just annoyed at everything. people aggravate me. i need drugs to help me sleep apparently.

87654321.

i'm ready.

i won't abandon you.

it's raining. and i get sad when the sky cries.

my whole life i struggled with anxiety and depression, and i always felt alone.

no one ever told me just how common it really is. no one ever puts themselves out there. no one bares the truth.

well let me bare myself to you all.

i am a total mess half the time. i'm not as bright and cheery as i come off. i'm pessimistic, and a little pitiful. i freak out under the slightest pressure. i constantly need someone to tell me to calm down.

and most of my life, i didn't have anyone to tell me that.

i don't really know how to say things sometimes..

but no one's alone, really. we just don't tell each other that enough.

so i'll tell you now. you're not alone.

manic-psychotic?

the days we look forward to most always go by the fastest.

even if you don't sleep until 12:30 in the afternoon like i did.

nevertheless, i was up and out of the house by 1:30, and for a young female, taking just an hour to get ready is a triumph.

i didn't do anything fantastically special today. my boyfriend took me shopping, and i spent too much money. i wanted new clothes for the cruise we and his parents are going on in a couple weeks. i hope my passport gets here soon. i'm a little worried i won't get it in time. which would suck.

it stormed a lot today. and yesterday. and will all week. hopefully work will be slow tomorrow. i have to be there in nine and a half hours, and i won't be sleeping any time soon. insomnia is a bitch.

my day started a little frantic. i felt hysteric, like an anxiety attack was right around the corner. sometimes i can control it, sometimes i can't. it's something i've dealt with my whole life. but as the day progressed, i finally calmed down.

like when i found out that all the people i inexplicably thought were mad at me are not. that always makes a night better. now when i check my account, that might make my anxiety resurface. i went a little wild today. >.<

i always feel guilt, even when i buy things i need. i don't really get it.

i feel a little stupid blogging about this nonsense. but i don't have anything more interesting to say.

i'm going to try and sleep after a riveting round of tetris.

adieu!

asphyxiation; deprivation.

i was supposed to do this every day, but in all honesty, i knew that would never happen.

but here i am!

there's never really that much going on in my life to even talk about. there are certainly some things i want to say, but is the internet really the safest place for my thoughts? it can always come back to bite me..and well, no one wants that.

anyway, i'm rambling, like i usually do.

tomorrow is my day off..finally. it's been a while since i worked a straight week! i almost hit overtime on sunday, so the money's going to be nice..but i'm just saying. i definitely can't wait to go on vacation here shortly.

the past couple of nights have been okay, business has been slow. bad for them, good for me. i have a lot going on in my head when i'm there, but no one really understands that. they people seem to think i just take the money and wipe tables. but in reality, i'm everywhere. as soon as people walk in, i listen to them. i hear what they order. i guess what else they're going to want. i run back and forth, checking to make sure the other parts of the restaurant are clean, stocked. are the people happy out there? what can i do now?

of course, when you barely do a thousand dollars at night, there's no need for me to think about those things. all i could think about tonight, for example, was "when can i just go home?" it seemed like i made every mistake possible. which i never do. my confidence was shot all night, i felt incompetent, like back when i was new. what was my problem?

whatever it was, all i know is i'm relieved to not have to walk through those doors tomorrow.

so moving on. last night alyssa and i had a sleepover like when we were kids! we've been friends a long time and go way back. but lately, i get the feeling like we're growing apart. i feel sometimes like everyone changes, but i stay the same. i'm not going into detail, but i just feel like everyone tends to fall away from me. maybe i put people off. eventually, i start expecting people to just leave me in the backburner.

i'm pessimistic, but that's just how i am. and in the long run, no one ever really changes.

so we had our sleepover, and reminiscing is always great. i don't often stay up past 3AM. it's almost 2, bedtime soon!

i'm losing my train of thought. all i'm trying to say is i feel like eventually, i'm going to be left behind by everyone. and i can't put my finger on why. i feel trapped inside my own mind. maybe my sleep schedule has deprived my brain of the proper chemicals and i'm just going temporarily insane.

that actually made sense..

anyway. at least i have the best outlet there is: music. my new obsession is muse..the perfect band to capture the hysteria i seem to feel lately.

i'm off to rest my brain.

hello, my name is.

i'm no noob in he world of blogging. i'm nineteen years old and grew up in the age of the internet, the ipod, the myspace/facebook/twitter phenomenon.

livejournal, xanga, and the previous three social network sites i mentioned above. you name it, i got it. my whole life is posted somewhere, tangled in the infinitely supermassive black hole that is the internet.

this isn't somewhere for me to cry about my boyfriend saying something mean to me. this isn't somewhere for my girl pals and i to talk about fashion and getting pedicures.

i don't even need "followers," "feedback," or even views.

but we all need somewhere to vent. and the internet is obviously y haunt. i have so many accounts, it's unbelievable.

anyway. it's one am, and i'm introducing myself. my name's mechelle. i'm here for the long haul, or until i get bored. i'm rock solid, but paper thin. i'm a poison, the antidote. i fix and cause problems like i breathe in and out.

and two years ago, i named myself miss brightside. which isn't always true.

so if you're reading, enjoy.
or at least don't blame me if you're gonna cry over "lost time."

i never told you you had to read it.

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