asphyxiation; deprivation.

i was supposed to do this every day, but in all honesty, i knew that would never happen.

but here i am!

there's never really that much going on in my life to even talk about. there are certainly some things i want to say, but is the internet really the safest place for my thoughts? it can always come back to bite me..and well, no one wants that.

anyway, i'm rambling, like i usually do.

tomorrow is my day off..finally. it's been a while since i worked a straight week! i almost hit overtime on sunday, so the money's going to be nice..but i'm just saying. i definitely can't wait to go on vacation here shortly.

the past couple of nights have been okay, business has been slow. bad for them, good for me. i have a lot going on in my head when i'm there, but no one really understands that. they people seem to think i just take the money and wipe tables. but in reality, i'm everywhere. as soon as people walk in, i listen to them. i hear what they order. i guess what else they're going to want. i run back and forth, checking to make sure the other parts of the restaurant are clean, stocked. are the people happy out there? what can i do now?

of course, when you barely do a thousand dollars at night, there's no need for me to think about those things. all i could think about tonight, for example, was "when can i just go home?" it seemed like i made every mistake possible. which i never do. my confidence was shot all night, i felt incompetent, like back when i was new. what was my problem?

whatever it was, all i know is i'm relieved to not have to walk through those doors tomorrow.

so moving on. last night alyssa and i had a sleepover like when we were kids! we've been friends a long time and go way back. but lately, i get the feeling like we're growing apart. i feel sometimes like everyone changes, but i stay the same. i'm not going into detail, but i just feel like everyone tends to fall away from me. maybe i put people off. eventually, i start expecting people to just leave me in the backburner.

i'm pessimistic, but that's just how i am. and in the long run, no one ever really changes.

so we had our sleepover, and reminiscing is always great. i don't often stay up past 3AM. it's almost 2, bedtime soon!

i'm losing my train of thought. all i'm trying to say is i feel like eventually, i'm going to be left behind by everyone. and i can't put my finger on why. i feel trapped inside my own mind. maybe my sleep schedule has deprived my brain of the proper chemicals and i'm just going temporarily insane.

that actually made sense..

anyway. at least i have the best outlet there is: music. my new obsession is muse..the perfect band to capture the hysteria i seem to feel lately.

i'm off to rest my brain.